What's your worth?

I am sad.

I am angry.

I am worth more than over-used excuses and thoughtless acts of hurt.

I deserve more.

Be better than that.

fuck.

Jim Morrison is cool.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” -JIM MORRISON

I read this today and loved it. Its something I've always believed in and Jim articulated my thoughts quite perfectly. It's a little morbid, but I feel there's a lot of truth to it. His quote really spoke to me in this moment though because of some things I am currently going through. Not a big surprise, as I am always sharing my thoughts and what I feel is apparent most of the time, whether it be on facebook or my blog (if not in person, in which case, you will always know how I am feeling because it is almost impossible for me to hide).

I am usually a very positive and upbeat person. I will find a silver lining in everything because I truly believe one always exists. The obstacles I have managed to over come in my life, are ones you would never imagine a girl like me to ever encounter. But I have, I did and will continue to face challenges and more importantly, learn lessons. Right now, I am at a sad place. Its very new so it's burning heavily. I really haven't felt this hurt in a long while. I have been sad and down, been disappointed, everything in between. But this kind of hurt, and heartache? It's been awhile. Because of that, this feeling is more...raw. Does that make sense at all? Honestly, I have been crying for the last few days (although today was a better day, thank God). Does that make me weak? No. The ones closest to me can attest to my mental and emotional strength-my ability to persevere. For a moment though, I did feel weak.

Well of course, this quote reminded me that I am not weak for feeling the way I do because I am simply facing my reality (as stated in the quote). Wouldn't it be a lie to pretend it was okay, I was okay? I could easily give myself a pep talk, bring out my rays of sunshine and be POSITIVE. TA-DA! It would be a false reality though and it'd only be a facade put on for momentary relief. I have never chosen to live my life that way, and I'm not starting now. I have tattooed on my body, "Live Truthfully." How untruthful would that be? I am aware that it is unhealthy to dwell and sulk in sadness. Thats not what I'm saying should be done. Just allow yourself those moments. That's all. Without feeling pain, how do you truly appreciate the opposite- love. If you don't let yourself feel these types of things, and you choose to disregard them or conceal them, you disregard yourself. You are telling yourself you are not valid. The thing is, you are. So accept how you feel and let them run through you. I believe in these times of honesty (feeling), you discover the most vital and profound things about who you are and your heart. When you are being real, you discover real things. When you are untruthful with others, doesn't it hurt them?..You hurt them, indeed. What do you think happens when you are untruthful with yourself?

That sort of brought me to how I "carry it." Remember, it's a choice to feel or not feel. So I will choose to feel this for a bit as it is necessary. But, I have hope, faith and courage and little by little, I will be able to pick myself up. During this process, I will choose to heal. I understand there is a process. I'm going with it, trusting it. But I am going with it with the purpose of moving on and the intent to heal and overcome. --Carry it in an honest and healthy way. Find that balance.

Its one day at a time. Each day is a new day. Live it with your eyes open and heart present.

Be true.

You light up my sky.

To my friends [near & far],

Thank you:

For your present hearts, and unbreakable loyalty.

For your love.

For lighting up my sky.

<3N

Lessons learned.

question your intentions. have faith. be hopeful.

process your successes. examine your failures.

love without reserve.

travel with your eyes wide and your heart open.

feel deeply. share your dreams.

take a moment to breathe.

be brave.

evolve endlessly. be still. be an encouragement.

eat chocolate.

laugh by yourself. laugh at yourself. laugh with the ones you share life with.

allow healing.

create. be a good friend. cry hard. strengthen existing relationships.

watch the sunset. buy flowers for yourself. have integrity. try something new.

know you are blessed.

know you are not defined by your circumstances. and some days, its difficult to do any of these things- just pray.

pray often.

lets pretend that we are all human beings, with hearts. with feelings. lets pretend for one moment that we all go through experiences that have a common core meaning or value. in these experiences we most likely feel similar emotions, think similar thoughts, ask similar questions and have similar doubts. should this not make going through life easier. should this not make communicating easier. should this not make decision making easier. should this not be a comfort. youd think so. everybody forgets that we are all human and only human and that at the end of the day we ultimately feel, see, want, need, ask and experience the same things in life.

Hope.

I have been taking walks on the strand with a friend of mine, Ashley. Tonight's conversation: emotional. But the night brought relief and hope. To Manhattan Beach and back, we concluded our walk at the end of the Hermosa pier. Before me, a vast ocean so difficult to grasp, but as I stood still and silent, the ocean reminded me of this one simple thing: that life goes on.

I panned my view and was awe struck by this incredibly beautiful body of water that never stops going. Its waves, its movement, continuous. Each break, each variation, are us. You, me. And I realized, we must keep going. Its imperative because life keeps going. The sun was low, gleaming off of the water. Speckles of silver shimmered in all directions. And I realized, sometimes life has these moments that glimmer so magnificently, and other times the sun is hiding, there is no light and there is little hope. But the sun is perpetually doing what it needs to as well and eventually, it comes out again to reflect its light on those breaks and variations of the waves. Its a natural cycle. You just need to move forward and trust the process that takes places in spite of your circumstances.

I believe that every thing and every one is interconnected. I believe that every single thing has a purpose. I believe that in a sense, we are are mirror images of one another, and of our environment and the things that surround us. Maybe thats why I was able to find this connection, this symbolism between the beings of this world and the ocean. Maybe it was just conjured up to comfort me.

In less than 10 minutes, these thoughts were realized in my mind. Some how, it gave me hope. If I have hope, I have strength to move forward. If I can move forward, then I am okay. Even though the things I saw in the ocean are very simple and known, I think the fact that I was reminded of these basic realities through the ocean, made it more compelling. Maybe because of what it represents to me. Strength, freedom, peace. It is so powerful and mighty. Like God. And you know what, I believe that God speaks to us through various means. Even the ocean.

This is what I came away with tonight. So, I will keep moving forward and holding onto the glimmers that I can, that I have been blessed with.

unknown.

my mind understands balance yet my body churns. my heart is weakened by each moment of each thought. happens each day, and every part of me rots.

undeniably absurd, but the vision is skewed. enough that it repeats itself, desperate for help.

feelings that linger, and lurk though the hours. they have too much power.

i consume. it consumes me.

all is fading, im failing.