Moving...onto the next little chapter.

I decided I wanted to quickly (and thoughtfully) write a short post since there are some things being stirred in me right now. Today is moving day. A new place, (sort of) a new town (right next door but has a different name hah), a new roomie, new rent cost (yay, big yay)- needless to say, it's exciting. I'm excited. I am also sitting in my apartment having breakfast and some quiet time to myself (waiting for my mom to get here to help!). A lot of reflection going on in my brain and my heart. It is always bittersweet for me to move, even when moving out of a horrible situation (like my last move but thankfully not this move). I am always thankful I had a roof over my head and thankful for the experiences at whatever place I had the blessing to reside at.

It's emotional for me because like any other place, I have gone through a lot here. It was a place I made into a home, a place where I shared and made memories with friends, a place where I had a lot of solitude since I lived by myself-which meant a lot of quiet reflection and conquering things on my own. I've learned a lot about myself and experienced some of my lowest points, as well as my highest here in this particular apt. I am always ready and willing for change and am extremely excited to move on, but every time I move, I always sit and let it sink in and just appreciate the place that was a part of my life as I changed and grew.. It is just really neat to be still and sort of reminisce, to go through that timeline in your head and then be grateful for it all. The good and the bad.


Thanks apt 34-P. I'll miss ya!

Closure.

Closure is not found in a final conversation but we often think that's the case. We always feel we need that conversation, but that conversation is never guaranteed so what if you can't have it. Sometimes you have to see that a persons lack of words and inaction reveal more than anything they could ever say or do..closure is peace. That peace comes from accepting the circumstances and realizing, you're OK. Try to recognize this each day. In that, you nurture that peace, it grows and becomes more present within yourself. Closure does not come from another's lips or actions. It comes from you..the state you put your mind and heart in. It will happen if you work on it. You don't need to wait on anyone or look to someone else to find what you need.  

(For me personally, what also helps me to "be ok" is to be aware of how God pursues my heart each day in the smallest ways. I hold onto those blessings which in turn helps me to let go of hurt. In those little victories, I eventually will find a fully healed heart.)
Love,Nat

Desire & Belief

Naturally, goals and resolutions are the most popular topics as of lately. I personally am someone who feels that goal setting is one of many key mechanisms in assisting you to live more effectively. A plan, a guide and things to strive for are always good.

After setting some realistic short term and long term goals, creating a specific plan of action and strategy are required. Then, it needs to be implemented.

Since I've experienced it as well, it's probably safe to say that most of you often come under that feel good motivation spell and are amped about life and future plans. It can be concerning life in general or maybe it's about a career change, pursuing a new idea or a new health regiment. You have your goal, plan and strategy but then, not much happens. Or, something happens for a solid 2 weeks and from there on out your progress trickles into nothing. Through self analysis during past experiences like this, I've found that it was because (among a few other factors):
1. The desire for it wasn't to the core of my heart.
2. The belief of that pursuit wasn't to the core of my heart. 

Desire: 
When I say desire, I do not mean surface feel good desire. The desire needs to be to the point that it could almost be defined as a necessity. The reason for the necessity is one only you will know. Sometimes, the reason doesn't make sense and is not easily articulated, but if you are truly pursuing something, I feel it means there's some type of necessity. Or else, why would you take any action at all. Sometimes the reason for our desire is not strong enough which means its not a necessity- to me, it is a surface want. Consequently, it will be difficult to sustain or even begin to take action. Ask yourself if you truly desire the attainment of a goal. To your core.

Belief:
Something that I feel is rarely mentioned and is so crucial to the equation is to simply believe. What are your beliefs about your goals? Do you feel you can reach them? Deserve them? Believe that you can. Believe in the plan, believe in the strategy, believe in the goal, believe in your word and what you have told yourself you want to do. Essentially, believe in yourself! It's difficult to even start to execute anything you have down on paper, let alone sustain action or pick up momentum if you do not BELIEVE and feel in your HEART that you can DO it, WANT it, and WILL. Maybe your desire is there, but it makes all the difference to believe in yourself and in your word. To your core.

With that, take some time to reflect on past failures and why your efforts or progress died out. Maybe you have both of these things, and this might sound corny but maybe you just need to verbalize it to yourself each morning, or take moments through out the day to remind yourself to feel that desire, and believe in that desire and in yourself. Dig deep and do some self analysis. Question your motives. Maybe you need to reevaluate and replan a few things here and there. That's a-ok.


These are just things I have found helpful for myself. Things that have helped me to break some bad cycles so that when I pursue my goals, I can stay on track and achieve my goals. Good luck with all of your new year resolutions.





Love,
Nat

drool session.

yea, wipe yer drool. 

 

you are not who I thought you were.

your expectations of people and how you view them is your choice. how you perceive someone doesnt change who they actually are and the good and bad they're capable of. most of the time we create what we feel is ideal. we create the best person and expect the best things. why wouldn't we. but who they are is who they've always been. they didn't fool you. you fooled yourself. so don't be surprised if they don't turn out to be what you expect. don't ask why they chose to do something- or not do something. you are only asking because of the expectations and standards YOU placed on them. someone's ACTIONS are who they are. not how you see them (or what they say). maybe if we understood that, there'd be no reason to feel disappointed or hurt?

REALITY F*&KING CHECK.

Guess what? When you take action, shit happens. Isn't that crazy?

I don't think most people are truly 100% happy with every single aspect of their life. Thats normal. There is always something to improve on, something to attain or accomplish. I do however, believe that most people are a lot of talk and very little to no action. Whose fault is it that there has been no progression in your life? Yours. Guess what, again? Nothing and no one will change that. You must change that. You must change YOU.

A lot of us feel the need to have a plan, put it on paper, wait for this to happen, wait for that to happen. The stars are never going to fucking align, really. They only ever seemed to be aligning because action was probably being taken so shit was happening. Hey, I am absolutely guilty of that too. And lately, for me its been waiting to find someone to hold me accountable for certain things. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who is there to babysit, what you fucking write down and what steps you brainstorm will be the best to take because you'll end up with a million pieces of paper, a million drafts and wait a million more minutes or days or weeks, months and years- and nothing will happen, it will mean NOTHING--- if you dont actually take ACTION. I think some how it makes us feel better to have a "plan." Whatever that means to you, however specific or vague it is. Don't get me wrong, you SHOULD know and you should have direction. But ultimately, on paper or not, you already freaking know it! Its in your head so what does doing anything else with that plan have anything to do with what you already KNOW. Take what you know, what you want to do, what you want to accomplish and go and fucking DO IT. The issue is rarely anything else besides the fact that people simply do not pursue the things they want, need, should. I believe that people want to. They realllly really want to and they realllllly do want the things they want. I do. So what's holding you back?! Maybe you need to change what it is you want to pursue because it might not be right and so you're not as motivated (whether it has to do with a person, career, personal growth, body and health etc). Maybe you need to change who you are surrounding yourself with because they not driven or may be unsupportive. OR maybe you just need to change your mindset. Because regardless of all external circumstances- the most powerful and controllable one of them all, is YOU and what you do with yourself. We do all of these other little things along the way, or while we are waiting- because it comforts us. COMFORT doesn't equal progress. For some people, its more fun and its EASIER to just talk about it and fantasize and be in this really awesome dreamworld where anything is possible, the world is at your finger tips and you shall conquer it and be the best person you can be because you should! OH MY GOSH it SOUNDS so amazing, it FEELS SO amazing so lets live in the clouds forever because god forbid if you take any action you might fail and feel something else other than spaceclouddisneylandworld................................or you just talk about it so you SOUND good and people will perceive you to be this well rounded and driven person and sound like you really know what the fuck you're doing. But you dont, because you haven't DONE shit.

I'm not perfect. Im writing this shit to myself too!! There are other things that I am working on, things that I need to be more consistent about and even just DO..I was talking to a friend about how I want to do it daily and I know I really should but I don't. So mayyyybbbe, it will be helpful to have a friend check up on me every week and see how things went and if I actually did anything. I came to the conclusion that- it doesnt really fucking matter at all. I just need to DO IT. And do it for MYSELF because I DESIRE TO- not because I have to answer to someone. Ok honestly, its good to have accountability haha....I mean, it sucks when someone asks you how things are going with whatever it is you are working on- and you say you didn't do much of anything- it just burns more to say it out loud and especially to another person. So its a form of motivation. BUUTTTTT It shouldn't take that to get you to do something......heres how accountability is GOOD and why/when you need support----once you are already ON TRACK- then accountability will help you to STAY on track. You freaking get the point I'm making here.

This is harsher than what/how I normally write. Its harsh in general. Normally, I feel that communicating truthfully with some compassion, conviction and love is pretty effective. People are usually receptive to that delivery. BUT, sometimes, people just need the straight up brutal truth. They need a reality check or a good fucking reminder. I gave myself this good fucking reminder earlier so now I'm giving it to you.

With this whole bodybuilding thing. I didnt write a single thing down. Except for my training plan AFTER I actually took initiative and did my research, contacted nickie and WENT TO THE GYM with her. And I've been taking my ass there every day, twice a day, on my own ever since......and will continue to!

You know why I am writing this? Because I believe with all of my heart that each of us are capable of attaining anything it is that we desire in this world. ANYTHING. You have insane resources. You might not think you have anything that great- but open up your mind ..be creative- you have a million resources. You CAN, you are ABLE. You have a mind, a body, a heart, a soul. MOVE AND USE ALL OF THOSE MUSCLES. DO IT!

LOVE

N A T

New found peace.

First of all, I believe in good souls. So many people who I am not even close friends with have reached out to make sure I am ok! I assure you, I am! haha.. If you don't know me too well, you might be taken aback by the things I write. I just constantly have many thoughts running through my head and when I put them in words and choose to express what I think or how I feel, it comes across in a very intense way. It may also seem a little intense because people don't normally share to the extent that I do. But thats just who I am! I am not being dramatic, its just what I think and feel. After reading the more morbid/sad/angry posts, please never envision me sitting in a corner balling my eyes out because I think some of you do! Its not the case at all. My days are normal. I don't drag my feet with a frown on my face and bags under my eyes. Are some days harder than others? Yes. But we all have those days. Are some moments harder than others? Yes. But we all have those moments. I just so happen to be having them a little more frequently than what I am used to. That happens to everyone. I have a good head on my shoulders and a solid foundation. Don't worry friends! But know, I appreciate every message and all of the kind words that have been sent and said. No matter how small or large the gesture, I am incredibly thankful and touched by how caring and thoughtful people have been.

Now that you know I am not depressed and suicidal, we can move on...

I have a story to share. Something that happened to me today. Something pretty powerful. I was getting ready for work standing in my bathroom area. I know I was recapping my afternoon at the gym with Nickie and I just thought about what a blessing it was to have her in my life during this specific time of my life. Then in one moment, a sense of peace came over my body entirely. It just hit me. Simultaneously, I was reminded that: everything happens for a reason. The past few months of my life ran through my mind in chronological order. It seemed like it only took a few seconds but I was able to see it all and grasp the events. It is absolutely okay if you are not spiritual or do not have any belief in God/Christ- but I do. So of course, I believe God was pouring his peace on me and speaking this to me-reminding this. Pretty powerful, pretty emotional.

I believe with all of my heart that everything happens for a reason and that the sequence of life does not happen in an arbitrary fashion. Not at all. I get caught up in a single event and forget to take a step back to look at the bigger picture..seeing that its all for a purpose. When certain events occur in our lives, we tend to ask ourselves, "why?" I suppose in a way, I got my "why" answered but in a very general way. When you look back on your life, doesn't it always seem like one thing happened, so that another thing could happen, so that it could bring you to this place or that person...and it continues. Its never ending. And no matter what, it always seems to work out, it always seems to be, perfect. The way its suppose to be. I don't know about you, but I find that true in my life! Certain things happened and it felt like I was supposed to be there for one reason, but at the end of it all, it was for another reason. You can never see these things while you are going through it. I just feel like I am where I am and its perfect. How perfect that I have this new friendship and new pursuit right now in my life. You meet the people you do for a reason, desires are put on your heart for a reason, you travel to places for a reason. Everything that has happened in the past few months is for a reason!!!!!! It just brings me so much comfort. Its like, gosh, don't get caught up in it all. Everything will be fine. Everything is fine. Am I still sad? Yesssssssssss. But after today, after this moment I had, I have a better sense of peace and hope. I am encouraged and I feel soooooooooo ridiculously blessed. So so so so blessed.

Maybe that did not make any sense. But just know this-

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

So find peace and comfort in that.

Love,

Nat.

What's your worth?

I am sad.

I am angry.

I am worth more than over-used excuses and thoughtless acts of hurt.

I deserve more.

Be better than that.

fuck.

Jim Morrison is cool.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” -JIM MORRISON

I read this today and loved it. Its something I've always believed in and Jim articulated my thoughts quite perfectly. It's a little morbid, but I feel there's a lot of truth to it. His quote really spoke to me in this moment though because of some things I am currently going through. Not a big surprise, as I am always sharing my thoughts and what I feel is apparent most of the time, whether it be on facebook or my blog (if not in person, in which case, you will always know how I am feeling because it is almost impossible for me to hide).

I am usually a very positive and upbeat person. I will find a silver lining in everything because I truly believe one always exists. The obstacles I have managed to over come in my life, are ones you would never imagine a girl like me to ever encounter. But I have, I did and will continue to face challenges and more importantly, learn lessons. Right now, I am at a sad place. Its very new so it's burning heavily. I really haven't felt this hurt in a long while. I have been sad and down, been disappointed, everything in between. But this kind of hurt, and heartache? It's been awhile. Because of that, this feeling is more...raw. Does that make sense at all? Honestly, I have been crying for the last few days (although today was a better day, thank God). Does that make me weak? No. The ones closest to me can attest to my mental and emotional strength-my ability to persevere. For a moment though, I did feel weak.

Well of course, this quote reminded me that I am not weak for feeling the way I do because I am simply facing my reality (as stated in the quote). Wouldn't it be a lie to pretend it was okay, I was okay? I could easily give myself a pep talk, bring out my rays of sunshine and be POSITIVE. TA-DA! It would be a false reality though and it'd only be a facade put on for momentary relief. I have never chosen to live my life that way, and I'm not starting now. I have tattooed on my body, "Live Truthfully." How untruthful would that be? I am aware that it is unhealthy to dwell and sulk in sadness. Thats not what I'm saying should be done. Just allow yourself those moments. That's all. Without feeling pain, how do you truly appreciate the opposite- love. If you don't let yourself feel these types of things, and you choose to disregard them or conceal them, you disregard yourself. You are telling yourself you are not valid. The thing is, you are. So accept how you feel and let them run through you. I believe in these times of honesty (feeling), you discover the most vital and profound things about who you are and your heart. When you are being real, you discover real things. When you are untruthful with others, doesn't it hurt them?..You hurt them, indeed. What do you think happens when you are untruthful with yourself?

That sort of brought me to how I "carry it." Remember, it's a choice to feel or not feel. So I will choose to feel this for a bit as it is necessary. But, I have hope, faith and courage and little by little, I will be able to pick myself up. During this process, I will choose to heal. I understand there is a process. I'm going with it, trusting it. But I am going with it with the purpose of moving on and the intent to heal and overcome. --Carry it in an honest and healthy way. Find that balance.

Its one day at a time. Each day is a new day. Live it with your eyes open and heart present.

Be true.

You light up my sky.

To my friends [near & far],

Thank you:

For your present hearts, and unbreakable loyalty.

For your love.

For lighting up my sky.

<3N

Lessons learned.

question your intentions. have faith. be hopeful.

process your successes. examine your failures.

love without reserve.

travel with your eyes wide and your heart open.

feel deeply. share your dreams.

take a moment to breathe.

be brave.

evolve endlessly. be still. be an encouragement.

eat chocolate.

laugh by yourself. laugh at yourself. laugh with the ones you share life with.

allow healing.

create. be a good friend. cry hard. strengthen existing relationships.

watch the sunset. buy flowers for yourself. have integrity. try something new.

know you are blessed.

know you are not defined by your circumstances. and some days, its difficult to do any of these things- just pray.

pray often.

lets pretend that we are all human beings, with hearts. with feelings. lets pretend for one moment that we all go through experiences that have a common core meaning or value. in these experiences we most likely feel similar emotions, think similar thoughts, ask similar questions and have similar doubts. should this not make going through life easier. should this not make communicating easier. should this not make decision making easier. should this not be a comfort. youd think so. everybody forgets that we are all human and only human and that at the end of the day we ultimately feel, see, want, need, ask and experience the same things in life.

Hope.

I have been taking walks on the strand with a friend of mine, Ashley. Tonight's conversation: emotional. But the night brought relief and hope. To Manhattan Beach and back, we concluded our walk at the end of the Hermosa pier. Before me, a vast ocean so difficult to grasp, but as I stood still and silent, the ocean reminded me of this one simple thing: that life goes on.

I panned my view and was awe struck by this incredibly beautiful body of water that never stops going. Its waves, its movement, continuous. Each break, each variation, are us. You, me. And I realized, we must keep going. Its imperative because life keeps going. The sun was low, gleaming off of the water. Speckles of silver shimmered in all directions. And I realized, sometimes life has these moments that glimmer so magnificently, and other times the sun is hiding, there is no light and there is little hope. But the sun is perpetually doing what it needs to as well and eventually, it comes out again to reflect its light on those breaks and variations of the waves. Its a natural cycle. You just need to move forward and trust the process that takes places in spite of your circumstances.

I believe that every thing and every one is interconnected. I believe that every single thing has a purpose. I believe that in a sense, we are are mirror images of one another, and of our environment and the things that surround us. Maybe thats why I was able to find this connection, this symbolism between the beings of this world and the ocean. Maybe it was just conjured up to comfort me.

In less than 10 minutes, these thoughts were realized in my mind. Some how, it gave me hope. If I have hope, I have strength to move forward. If I can move forward, then I am okay. Even though the things I saw in the ocean are very simple and known, I think the fact that I was reminded of these basic realities through the ocean, made it more compelling. Maybe because of what it represents to me. Strength, freedom, peace. It is so powerful and mighty. Like God. And you know what, I believe that God speaks to us through various means. Even the ocean.

This is what I came away with tonight. So, I will keep moving forward and holding onto the glimmers that I can, that I have been blessed with.

unknown.

my mind understands balance yet my body churns. my heart is weakened by each moment of each thought. happens each day, and every part of me rots.

undeniably absurd, but the vision is skewed. enough that it repeats itself, desperate for help.

feelings that linger, and lurk though the hours. they have too much power.

i consume. it consumes me.

all is fading, im failing.

You're the one I choose.

[1/10 I wanted.]

Will arrive at my front door Feb. 8th.

Hallelujah.

What I truly want.

I want to be on my own.

I want to f l y ...

... and roam.

Politics, Schmolitics.

Yes, you have that freedom to choose-

but understand, a side means separation,

with that comes condemnation.

Your condemnation causes sides to collide.

There's no peace in that, there's no progress in that.

You want to move forward, well don't just verbally attack.

Transcend this hate and move past the politics,

because no one is right, why can't that ever click?

Its a tug of war and you're so righteous in your thought,

you don't realize, that compassion is your only shot,

at changing minds to change direction,

to change this world without someone's objection.

You want to quote Gandhi, well live what you speak,

like when it comes to Democrats or Republicans,

don't hate on the side which you feel is "weak"....

maybe even stupid, confused or ignorant....

but then obviously you didn't understand what Gandhi's words meant.

This is what I don't agree with, forget the red and blue,

it's how people treat each other, like they haven't got a clue-

of what love is, of what community is...

of what a nation united is..

Its sad and it makes me livid, makes me not want to be involved,

because we waste time bickering and nothing is solved.

So tell me, why should I take your side,

when everyone handles themselves without any pride.

Disregard for respect, for integrity.

I'm not joining in because this hate is not for me.

You think your status updates on F.B,

your false facts from the news,

make you better than the other, sorry- you're just as confused.

I don't care if its CNN or FOX, the media isn't reliable,

when everyones an "expert" on how to run this country-

for me thats just not plausible,

since all minds are so damn pliable.

I'm going to pray for this nation and hope for the best,

and also hope that you can see all of this clashing,

is not how we put issues to rest.

It's not how we unite and join arms,

It's not helping us, it's doing more harm.

Home sweet home.

Peace.

Her soul was strong and spirit persistent.

Weathered heart, she knew what life meant.

In search of something even she did not know,

looking to dreams, with nothing to show.

Caught in life's cycle, an on going disease,

wanting nothing more, than to break free.

With each day, she found new inspiration,

to keep on, without a hint of hesitation.

Because her soul was strong and spirit persistent.

Weathered heart, she knew what life meant.

Finally one day, every part of her felt fulfilled.

The universe spoke back and peace was instilled.

Run Away.

I can't tell you when it originated but for as long as I can remember now, I have had this burning desire that shoots straight to the depths of my heart to -run away.-

For the holidays this year, it was quite unexpected to feel such relief being in a familiar environment. I have been craving change, adventure and ...something magical for so long that I really didn't think I would feel so at peace the moment I was in Washington. It was nice. It was nice to be siting in the back seat of a car, looking out to a clear, calm and chilled day, trying to catch each branch, each building as they passed by too quickly...not having any other care in the world..not feeling anything else except feeling 'okay.'

I realized: We too often try to escape it- but sometimes, the familiar is what we need.

This lasted only for a short while. Which was fine. It was a good reminder. But now that I am back in Hermosa....I have that feeling again. More than ever, I do. I believe a part of it is because I literally want to run away from things that are going on in my life. I know thats not necessarily the best or most mature way to think. And oh what a tough life I have- I live at the beach..right? The other part, I believe is because there's something out there that I, in particular need to experience, need to discover, need to see, to feel.......Its not just your ordinary desire to "travel and see the world," or the feeling of being "sick of this damn place and I just want to get out" type of feeling. Its more than that. It almost feels like a prerequisite for my life, before I can move onto anything else. It feels like a necessity for my existence. It feels inescapable. It feels like God planted it there in my heart and wove it simultaneously with my soul. It feels like it was in me since the moment He thought of me.

What is out there? What am I searching for? I am fulfilled in many ways..through many ways- but this is one piece I have yet to find, to figure out. Not until I actually pick up, and leave.

And run away.