So tell me, whens it gonna happen.

A child knows.

I have been wondering...about love. Whats new. During a very unusual time, in a very unusual place(trust me), I started to wonder:

Do children understand love better than we do?

I asked myself, "what does love mean to me?"

..what does it entail, desire, need...

What does it mean to love, to be loved?

I began to think...

Adults have a very hard time grasping the concept of love. Really, most of us do.

That is why relationships are so complicated no matter the extent of the relationship. You can be all idealistic and say its simple..but come on now.

Think about our society today and how skewed our perceptions are on too many things...

Love being one of them.

If we truly knew what it was and everything surrounding it, it wouldn't be so difficult.

As you get older, I believe the idea, meaning and understanding of love either becomes diluted and/or polluted. Everything becomes too convoluted.

This is due to life experiences and worldly influences. We are pushed and pulled in so many directions.

We loose sight of what is real.

What is true.

It is very possible they know better than we do.

They have a more pure understanding of it.

I think in one sense, children do understand love better than we do. They know when they love someone and its very natural to them. What they feel, what they know and how they express it. It simply is what it is.

And also, think about the cazillion witty, insightful and profound things children say all the freaking time.

What is the truth of love.

What does it mean, in the most simplistic way?

A child knows.

-N

Photos.

You designer, you.

You designed a fashion of lies that ran seamlessly.

And put them on me so sweetly.

Thank you for your talents.

I know I wear them well.

-N

Heal.

If you intend to heal, you will.

Intentions are everything.

Fresh Start.

I can't wait to move to hermosa with Lin and Kimbers! May is too far away! It will be a fresh start and the beginning of a new chapter for me. By then, I will have graduated from FIDM as well as The Meisner Center. I will almost be an adult (by the end of that summer) haha. It will be a summer of traveling (a smidge at least), working, working and working...to save for the adult world AND also full of FUN making memories with the girls!

I am so anxious to be in a new town.

New surroundings.

New people.

New atmosphere.

New things to explore....

I am ready for change! Knowing how ancy I get, Im surprised I have managed to be okay living in downtown for the past 3 years. Anyway, just had to release my happiness onto my blog because the lease for the hermosa house is finalized-for the most part.

Its really scary having to think about the time when I'll be paying for rent and expenses on my own because that means finding a way to make money and also managing money....I know I'll get through it though. I know it will be a struggle...but thats what I am excited for.

I am so blessed!

ak;djsfkdf

-N

Heres some more of my bullshit emotions.

Catching up, when you're trying to run forward.

Those moments are never too far behind,

never too lost.

Present, just enough to make this harder than it needs to be.

In your room, on your bed...

I can remember my skies were painted blue,

just like your eyes.

The sun was out at midnight and your skin was warm.

I can feel it now like I felt it then...

Its clear enough to make this harder than it needs to be.

Much harder than it needs to be.

-N

Getting through it....

I gotta go through it, to get through it.

Even if it means screaming inside,

or crying through the night...

I gotta go through it, to get through it.

Even if it means having that little bit of hope

torture me each moment..

Ill go through it,

to get through it..

To be okay.

I'll feel all I need to,

to get through.

Feel it all the way,

to be okay.

So many times, it will dissipate...

Then, I'll be okay.

______________________

You're hollow words, and careless smiles

Kill me over and over again.

_____________________

I wanna sit on your bed again,

have you ask me if I'm happy.

I was so happy.

-N

Let me get it off my chest.

I feel like I'm being dramatic, but I dont want to shy away from my feelings

Though it was a short while, you still effected and Im still healing

Yes it was a moment in time, but one Im still holding onto

Ill let go when I am ready, boy I wish you only knew...

Maybe too much was said, but I wont live with regret

Because if i hadnt, I might say the opposite.

My hearts always dangling on my sleeve and Ill give it to you with no end

Everything that was said is who I am but the consequence is a heart to mend.

I wish you knew this heart,

What I feel, and how you made it fall apart.

Let me tell you,

It only takes a moment to fall in love,

And what feels like a life time to fall out of it.

A minute to speak sweet words

And a second to believe it

Well I believed it and I wish you knew this heart.

I wish you knew this heart.

I know it all sounds a little dramatic but Im not sorry for it

because you should know the power of your words and what it does to a soul

I wish you knew this heart,

What I feel, and how you made it fall apart.

Let me tell you,

It only takes a moment to fall in love,

And what feels like a life time to fall out of it.

A minute to speak sweet words

And a second to believe it

Well I believed it and I wish you knew this heart.

I wish you knew this heart.

If I deserve better, why didnt you give me better.

If you are sorry, why didnt you apologize yesterday.

If I am amazing, why did you leave...

Did I make it that easy.

________________________________________

I think its gonna happen, but Im not quite sure

I leaving this chapter open though of course it hurts

We'll see what happens because thats all we can do

Cant force these feelings out of me or you

Its a long journey, but its always worth it in the end

You said no matter what, itll be worth it in the end

Yes Ive given you every reason to hate me when I slammed that door

But level headed you just wants to love me even more

Well youve proven yourself, but Im still proving myself

-N

He loves me.

"I love you. I love everything about you. I love all of your imperfections and flaws."

"No matter what happens, it will be worth it in the end."

"After everything we've been through, I love you more now, than I did then.

-N

Time.

Does time really heal,

or do you just learn to accept.

What does it mean to heal.

Is accepting healing.

Is the pain only subdued.

Can you fully heal,

if its always apart of you.

-N

Prevail.

"SUFFER

THEN

CONQUER"

-N

You.

We are only human.

With souls that crave.

I crave you.

-N

Just reposting to remind myself...

Most people are afraid to be vulnerable. Its understandable.

I am always afraid.

To put yourself out there means that if it comes crashing down in the end- you will actually feel it.

But thats what's beautiful.

That you'll feel. That you'll know.

That you can hold onto that and essentially have something that is (absolutely) tangible to reflect on. To learn from. To grow from.

What is the point in only revealing a portion of your heart.

A portion of your soul.

If it begins to leak- just let it pour.

These defense mechanisms do not protect you. In the long run, they'll ruin you even more than actually feeling the pain and hurting for that moment in time.

To be vulnerable, to open up- is not to ask for pain. It is not to be weak.

It is to give a gift.

Not all are deserving.

I am not- but I still want to know your soul...

because its beautiful.

To feel is to live. To feel pain is a part of knowing you're alive.

Anyone can smile. Anyone can laugh.

But to be strong enough to let the depths of you burn....to let yourself go like that..to eventually heal- thats when you know you're alive and living....

because you have healed.

Twisted, I'm sure.

-N

Moving on..

As frustrated, saddened, angry and confused as I have been with people- its time to move on. Forgiving and letting go because there is no use in holding onto anything negative. It will not bring anything positive into my life. People who do bad things, are not bad people (Most of the time). I just think that they are too blinded by other things and/or they don't know any better.

I'd rather be compassionate.

You just weren't ready for this greatness.

Someone else is though.

-N

Fuck you #2.

He lied there. I wondered what he thought of me. I lied on top of him, legs tangled. Intentions unknown. I looked into his eyes and saw soft sincerity. Guard down. But from his body, a command. A magnetic pull, so strong I couldn't walk away even if I tried. Face to face, I felt his breath and could almost smell the kiss approaching. His eyes saw through me. I gazed a path as I ran my fingers through his hair, down his face then to his neck. Finally settled on his chest. I felt his heart pumping strong and steadily. I felt warmth, I felt certainty. His eyes fixed upon me. I looked at my hands -on him. Looked up to catch his eyes. No words needed to be spoken. Then it happened...When we kissed, it was right. It was real. It was the kind of kiss that made you want to stay like that forever. The kind that made you take the deepest breath in, exhaling to feel his soul penetrate your body ...from your touching lips down to the soles of your feet. When we finally let go, we knew we hadn't let go yet.

-N

Fuck you.

Eyes genuinely lit, lips sincere.

He whispered words into my ear.

I thought he spoke his soul.

Its crippling, the hold hes got on me.

I know he lied, but I still believe.

Its a fairy tale heartbreak.

Sweetly seduced.

Let go so lightly,

all to prolong this fall.

Convinced by your confidence.

Truth in your hold.

..I still cant let go.

-N

All my single ladies.

I fear to be alone, yet fear to be confined.

Right now, my fear of confinement, as well as commitment is much stronger.

Apparently.

Being single is so interesting.

Its challenging, yet rewarding.

Its very freeing,

but the freedom is bittersweet as I miss having a companion.

I really haven't ever been single.

More and more I am seeing the importance of being okay with spending time with yourself-Getting to know yourself without a counterpart.

Also, doing things for yourself.

Finding yourself means something different for everyone.

But in general- its getting out there and experiencing life. Experiencing different things so that you know what you want and need and should go back to.

It means dating other people, traveling, making new friends, making mistakes.

Its like the saying "you can't appreciate love without hate" or joy without pain. You can't possibly just "know" who you want to spend the rest of your life with until you've experienced what you don't want. You need to experience more of life to know what you need to be happy and who to be happy with, what you want from life, and from that person etc.

Its a process. But its happening.

Each day I am healing from several things.

But after much hurt and heartache, confusion, and uncertainty..

I can say that I am OK with everything.

Ok that I dont know.

Ok that I am hurt by one and in love with another.

Ok that I am an emotional wreck and write crazy things when blogging...

Beacuse I am so excited about life.

There's much to be excited about.

I am loving the people God is placing in my life.

I am ecstatic about moving to hermosa beach and living with my two best friends.

New adventures.

New memories.

There are ups and downs but at the end of the day, I am blessed beyond belief.

I cannot forget that.

At the end of the day, there are plenty of opportunities for you to be happy and enjoy life no matter what situation you are in.

Your circumstances always provide opportunities- whether your circumstances are what you envisioned or not.

-N

Angels from God.

These are my friends,

They are the best in the world.

In this town, genuine people are hard to come by. I have been blessed enough to have these angels placed in my life. What would I do with out them!

I have learned through the years, that it truly is not the quantity that matters, but the quality. For your health and your heart, it is imperative that you surround yourself with positive, supportive, loving and kind souls.

That is what these girls are and have to give- endlessly.

When you can talk to them about the stupid jerk who broke your heart to death, but they still keep listening...

When you can have the best time at home on the couch listening to new music and contemplating silly things over and over again.......

When you can debate which dessert to get for 20 minutes and love every minute of it........

When you can scream profanity at the top of your lungs together and thats how you help one another to heal- through laughter........

When you are constantly encouraged and loved through words and acts of kindness.....

When you can go over to their apt and they'll actually do your statistics homework for you.....

......now those are great friends :)

Friends who eat...and drink together...stay together.

-N

Yes.

If it weren't a struggle, it wouldn't be worth it.

-N

No Rush.

I used to have a plan.

I still kind of do- not as much as I used to.

It feels good.

Its scary- but good.

Nothing in life ever works out the way you want it to anyway...

so why set anything in stone.

Thats not to say that I've lost my sense of direction,

but I should just inhale what the wind blows my way...

In LA, the weather is good. Its usually sunny.

You get used to it. You expect the sun.

When the chill comes and the wind blows...

its beautiful.

And thats life.

Embrace it.

Take your time and embrace it.

Remember to:

Do everything you want to.

Go where your heart desires.

Refuse to be confined to what society deems "right" and "successful."

You have your own timing.

Things will come to be what they need to be- when they need to be.

-N

ah.

It kills me so much- it makes me alive.

-N

Glen Hansard, you know my heart.

LEAVE

"I can't wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone

And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave,
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,"

ALONE APART

"How many times have I been here
How many times was I lost
And how many times I'd be lost in the sea
If you weren't there to rescue me

We're sailing, sailing every night
We're drifting, drifting alone apart
Not to show that we're in need
But I'd heal your wounds if you bleed

How many times have I hurt you
How many times have you
And how many times I'd been on my knees
Begging, begging please forgive me

We're sailing, sailing every night
We're drifting, drifting alone apart
Not to show that we're in need
But I'd heal your wounds if you bleed

Thank you for being so patient with me
I've been weaker than I ought to be
Despair and jealousy blinded my mind
And I couldn't see how you're trying for me"

....

You held on so tight dear

Everything that we went through

I know you're getting tired

of waiting on me

my heart is so damn restless

but you love patiently

When the sun sets

and I don't have an answer yet

just tell me that you love me

and that it'll never be too late

It'll never be too late

-N

Glen is the man.

Music is so powerful and so awesome.

I have come across some spectacular material lately and honestly,

it takes my breath away.

I get chills when I find these songs,

these albums that speak for and to my heart completely.

I recently bought Glen Hansard's debut solo album.

I have to say, I am absolutely in love.

So beautifully written.

I am always drawn to subject matter such as love and relationships.

In life, it is always something that is so potent and convoluted.

When you're in love, in search of love..you are enveloped in it.

It is your world..because it affects you on so many levels.

Its intoxicating.

For me at least.

I always find it hard to translate my feelings into words because I feel so much I don't know what to say or where to begin.

But this album articulates everything I have felt and feel about love and loss so perfectly with such simplicity that ...

you just get it. You get it.

You feel it.

Again, his simplicity ...ah, I am in awe.

-N

Lured.

You don't have to say a word,

Your actions have said it all.

Why do you keep lying to me,

just to make me fall.

Maybe you care a little,

not enough to follow through.

Here I am still waiting,

left over hope I can't undo.

You're so very sweet

singing me this love lullaby,

I can't help but be lured

and sing back in reply.

-N

Let me ask you one thing.

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all?

-N

Sick of you, sick for you.

Dear you,

I want to be chased after, I want to be fought for.

How funny that I had that but let it go.

What is wrong with me?

I have what I want, but then I let it go.

Once its gone, I want what I had.

And knowing me, when I have what I want, I won't want it anymore.

Fuck the grass and its greenness.

You know what, no, I know what I want...

You think maybe if I had the right kind of what I want, then I'd want it forever?

Im not used to the whole dating scene.

Having stability for 3 years...

I didn't have to deal with the bullshit of reading in between the lines.

I don't want to read in between the lines.

Tell me what you want, how you feel.

Please. Please. Please.

"And why do you sing Hallelujah

If it means nothing to you.

Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before.

When there's nothing to give,

Well how can we ask for more."

[Damien Rice: Delicate]

-N

I'll find my way.

A wanderer is not always lost,
And your heart is traveling still.
The journey is one too beautiful,
Lit with mistakes that didn’t kill.

-N

Easier said, than done.

This is completely contradicting my first post..but if the world were perfect.....

I am realizing that it is okay to heal. No matter what the circumstances are or were- whether it was your fault, his fault or life's fault- you deserve to let go of it and heal.

Move forward.

If you do not relinquish your pain, you will not be able to unleash the incomprehensible amount of love in your soul to the world...to another heart.

Another being.

Not wholly at least.

-But if it is not all, then it is nothing.

Most people are afraid to be vulnerable. Its understandable.

I am always afraid.

To put yourself out there means that if it comes crashing down in the end- you will actually feel it.

But thats what's beautiful.

That you'll feel. That you'll know.

That you can hold onto that and essentially have something that is (absolutely) tangible to reflect on. To learn from. To grow from.

What is the point in only revealing a portion of your heart.

A portion of your soul.

If it begins to leak- just let it pour.

These defense mechanisms do not protect you. In the long run, they'll ruin you even more than actually feeling the pain and hurting for that moment in time.

To be vulnerable, to open up- is not to ask for pain. It is not to be weak.

It is to give a gift.

Not all are deserving.

I am not- but I still want to know your soul...

because its beautiful.

To feel is to live. To feel pain is a part of knowing you're alive.

Anyone can smile. Anyone can laugh.

But to be strong enough to let the depths of you burn....to let yourself go ....to eventually heal- then you know you're alive and living....

because you have healed.

Twisted, I'm sure.

-N

Random thoughts.

I am constantly reminded of beauty everyday.

I experience it. I feel it.

To feel it, I open up my heart.

Look, feel, try.

It's there. I promise.

I wish I could always say what was on my mind- what was on my heart. How incredible it is to express what you feel 100%,

no hesitations, no alterations.

I think it's a good thing but society disagrees.

There's a time, a place and a limit. As much as I want to go against this and not conform- I can't.

I hate these restrictions of the heart.

I can hear you breathe each breath.

Its taking me away.

-N