Run Away.

I can't tell you when it originated but for as long as I can remember now, I have had this burning desire that shoots straight to the depths of my heart to -run away.-

For the holidays this year, it was quite unexpected to feel such relief being in a familiar environment. I have been craving change, adventure and ...something magical for so long that I really didn't think I would feel so at peace the moment I was in Washington. It was nice. It was nice to be siting in the back seat of a car, looking out to a clear, calm and chilled day, trying to catch each branch, each building as they passed by too quickly...not having any other care in the world..not feeling anything else except feeling 'okay.'

I realized: We too often try to escape it- but sometimes, the familiar is what we need.

This lasted only for a short while. Which was fine. It was a good reminder. But now that I am back in Hermosa....I have that feeling again. More than ever, I do. I believe a part of it is because I literally want to run away from things that are going on in my life. I know thats not necessarily the best or most mature way to think. And oh what a tough life I have- I live at the beach..right? The other part, I believe is because there's something out there that I, in particular need to experience, need to discover, need to see, to feel.......Its not just your ordinary desire to "travel and see the world," or the feeling of being "sick of this damn place and I just want to get out" type of feeling. Its more than that. It almost feels like a prerequisite for my life, before I can move onto anything else. It feels like a necessity for my existence. It feels inescapable. It feels like God planted it there in my heart and wove it simultaneously with my soul. It feels like it was in me since the moment He thought of me.

What is out there? What am I searching for? I am fulfilled in many ways..through many ways- but this is one piece I have yet to find, to figure out. Not until I actually pick up, and leave.

And run away.

This is me.

I want a conversation that comes with ease and not effort.

I want to sell all of my belongings and run away to..the world.

I want to know at first glance, that I have found my soulmate.

I want to find stability but never feel tied down.

I want to be able to articulate every single emotion that runs through me.

I want to always feel what I feel. Feel it all. Feel it deeply.

I want someone to understand.

I want success.

I want to know what the definition of success is.

I want to feel passion from another human being.

I want a kiss to linger for more than just a moment.

I want to see my dreams become reality.

I want more money.

I want to not want money.

I want to speak with someone through a silent conversation and for both of us to understand everything spoken..or rather, felt.

I want someone to love me for the things that I do not already see in myself.

I want to have children.

I want a marriage so alive that my heart skips a beat every time I am even in the presence of my husband (whoever he is).

I want others to see who Jesus is in me, even though I am far from perfect.

I want a pet elephant.

I want to make a difference in Cambodia.

I want to always have a compassionate heart.

I want to always be grateful for my life.

I wan to bottle up the sound of the ocean and share it with those who have never heard it or seen it.

I want people to be able to speak the truth of their heart and not be condemned for it.

I want to remember every one I have ever encountered.

I want memories to last forever, because sometimes it fades.

I want to swim with whales.

I want to go skydiving.

I want everyone in my family to be happy.

I want everyone to find beauty in heartbreak, in an airpot, on a bus, anywhere, everywhere.

I want everyone to be amazed by a twig on the ground, the lines of the telephone pole or the sound of footsteps.

I want life to fly by only because I am living it so fully.

Paperweight.....

‎"....on my back, cover me like a blanket. Mess up my bed, with me. Kick off the covers, I'm waiting. Every word you say, I think I should write down. Don't want to forget, come daylight.."

I don't know.

Hearts are tangled in this city.

The lights are bright. They pierce through souls.

Exposing the secrets, buried so deep- mistaken for trash.

We are all human, we are all worn.

But its what makes us beautiful.

I am

so fucking happy.

Its up to you.

I am not a perfect person. Nobody is. We are all bound to make mistakes. Thats a given. What is important is how we redeem ourselves. This is through what we do after we make those mistakes -the way in which we show we have learned from wrong doings.

What's sad is that not everybody sees this. What is even more sad is that there are people who do realize this, but refuse to take the steps in order to learn, grow and become a better person. Don't allow yourself to do what is more convenient rather than what is right. You are in charge of who you are, what you become, how you handle yourself. No one else.

Holding onto pride is never worth it.

If you need to apologize, do it. Its never too late. Never too late to have a healthier and lighter heart.

Pheromones.

He smells like an early morning in autumn,

late night whiskey and,

cigarettes.

Why oh why.

I have a question. Why don't we listen to our hearts? Or is it the other way around- do we not listen to our heads rather?

In the end, we need to listen to our instincts. Both our hearts and our heads have it- I believe. I often times will question what I feel because I get so caught up in trying to decipher whether my thoughts and my feelings are derived from my heart or my head. I do this because one is more valid than the other to me. Not sure why. I forget that whatever it is, its there. Its there for a reason, so listen to it. It doesn't matter where it comes from.

When you go against it, things fail.

a;lskdjf

Stuck in a place between yes, maybe and no.

Sooner or later one must let go.

How hard must we push at this,

how lightly should we pull back.

Its all a hit or miss

and theres no plan of attack.

Words without reason.

Speaking without needing.

And in the end,

two hearts are wearing down,

because its not pretend.

Not one, but two to mend.

In the madness it makes no sense,

but this is what you want isnt it,

so be content.

Its true.

Sometimes, my heart feels so much-

it does not know what exactly it is feeling.

Or so I think. We always know what we are feeling..

but it is a matter of having the courage to accept it.

Face it to feel it.

Feel it to live.

-N

"Somtimes...

...the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

Summer has Fallen away.

I must say, I had quite a productive summer.

Graduate from FIDM: CHECK

Graduate from Meisner: CHECK

Move to Hermosa Beach: CHECK

Get a waitressing job: CHECK

Save some money:......check? ..hahah

Now...for the Fall......

Get a nannying job: CHECK!

Next on the list are:

+Get a part time job at a floral shop (I'm such a girl).

+Get headshots with Matt.

+Go out on auditions.

+Buy a long board and learn how to long board.

+Save more money.

So Posh.

Former spice girl turned fashion designer- Victoria Beckham has proven herself to be one fashion maven to follow. I personally am obsessed with her. Thats just me though. I have followed her since I was in the 5th grade collecting every album, doll, poster, memorizing and singing every lyric including "if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends."

One morning "The View" was on my t.v. and Victoria happened to be the special guest promoting her dress collection. Of course they put on a mini runway show and you know what- objectively speaking- it was quite a splendid collection.

Her taste is refined and fun. The epitome of class. The textiles are smart and her play with drapery and zippers are creative and far too charming.

I would love to get my hands on one of her dresses! Definitely timeless pieces to hold onto forever.

Check out her website to view the entire collection. There is no justice to the beauty, elegance and charm of this collection when viewed online, but I guess that is as close as we'll ever get to one of those babies.

www.victoriabeckham.com

-N

HB here I come.

This will be my new home in 2 weeks.

Hermosa Beach.

Photo: Nathalie Tan

So many changes are occuring and all within 2 months.

Graduating from Meisner, graduating from FIDM, moving.

Its all very overwhelming but in a very wonderful way!

These changes and transitions are what make life beautiful.

I am so excited to waitress (hopefully- still on the hunt) and beginning my acting career.

I am ready to take on more responsibilities of life and of becoming an adult.

I am ready to wake up in the morning to the ocean and go for a run!

I am ready to probably struggle a bit financially.

I am ready for the successes and failures of this journey in developing my career.

I am ready for new friendships.

I am ready for it all!!

It'll be a tough but happy, courageous, strengthening, powerful, wonderful and silly road :)

It'll be so worth it.

Heres to:

A new chapter.

A new beginning.

-N

Joy.

This past Sunday, I checked out a new church called Hope Chapel Christian Church in Hermosa Beach. It was actually quite wonderful and I was very impressed with the pastor. I am trying to find a home church and this one is a huge possibility!

Anyway, the experience was undeniably refreshing and so was the sermon. It was about prayer. Nothing crazy and out of the box..simple- but powerful. It reminded me how truly powerful and necessary prayer is. Also, now necessary it is to have a relationship with God.

We cannot do this on our own. We need Him. To be faithful, committed and have a loving, passionate, deep and unending relationship with God-so necessary. I have been praying a lot more in the last month, rekindling my relationship with Him. It has been amazing. How funny is it that when you choose to distance yourself from Him and decide you can go through this crazy thing called life on your own- it comes crashing down. No matter how "spiritual" or "happy" or "organized and well planned" you are or how many "good thoughts" you think and try to put in yourself and in the world- it never works! It never works and if it somewhat does- it is false. It is being held together by the stickiness of the world and not the UNFAILING "super glue" - if you will- of GOD. Nothing else will give you the JOY you feel when things are of God, held by God, given by God.

So pray, tell him, ask him....have a relationship with him! :)

You are valid.

What a night. Seriously..wow.

On my way home from hermosa, I had an incredible yet simple realization...more of a reminder.... I am valid.

To whoever is reading this, I want you to know what ever you feel is okay. Dont try to say or be anything you are not. Often times, we look back on past moments and conversations..and we wish it went differently. We wish we were stronger, bolder, or softer. No, please dont wish anything differently because what ever you felt and said in that moment was true. Your truth. Dont wish your truth away. It does not matter what society says or thinks about how you should be in a given situation. When you speak from your heart its valid because your heart is you and you are valid.

Thoughts run through my head...gosh I said too much, I was too nice, I was unclear, I should have been colder here, I should have been sweeter in that moment though...NO NO NO...Dont do that to yourself. Dont torture yourself because I have learned, whatever I said, its my true self, unplanned, unrestricted...whatever they gave me, I responded and that response is legitimate no matter what it was. ahhhh blabbbing.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Out of sight, out of mind. Its dangerous. I have learned over and over again that healing does not mean ignoring and forgetting about the issue at hand and the emotions involved.

It always means confronting the situation. ...which means re-awakening and living through certain emotions again- and it hurts for a moment, but only for a moment. After that, you get through it and you realize you are okay. You heal. Even if its just a little bit, you heal. It happens. Its amazing.

Its kind of ironic how you have to feel the pain to heal from the pain.

Gosh, why am I so morbid and emotional. haha....ah its good for me. Its good for everyone. Thats life. Thats living.

Living is feeling. Feeling is living.

:)

jka;sdjfieka;sd

blessed.