REALITY F*&KING CHECK.

Guess what? When you take action, shit happens. Isn't that crazy?

I don't think most people are truly 100% happy with every single aspect of their life. Thats normal. There is always something to improve on, something to attain or accomplish. I do however, believe that most people are a lot of talk and very little to no action. Whose fault is it that there has been no progression in your life? Yours. Guess what, again? Nothing and no one will change that. You must change that. You must change YOU.

A lot of us feel the need to have a plan, put it on paper, wait for this to happen, wait for that to happen. The stars are never going to fucking align, really. They only ever seemed to be aligning because action was probably being taken so shit was happening. Hey, I am absolutely guilty of that too. And lately, for me its been waiting to find someone to hold me accountable for certain things. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who is there to babysit, what you fucking write down and what steps you brainstorm will be the best to take because you'll end up with a million pieces of paper, a million drafts and wait a million more minutes or days or weeks, months and years- and nothing will happen, it will mean NOTHING--- if you dont actually take ACTION. I think some how it makes us feel better to have a "plan." Whatever that means to you, however specific or vague it is. Don't get me wrong, you SHOULD know and you should have direction. But ultimately, on paper or not, you already freaking know it! Its in your head so what does doing anything else with that plan have anything to do with what you already KNOW. Take what you know, what you want to do, what you want to accomplish and go and fucking DO IT. The issue is rarely anything else besides the fact that people simply do not pursue the things they want, need, should. I believe that people want to. They realllly really want to and they realllllly do want the things they want. I do. So what's holding you back?! Maybe you need to change what it is you want to pursue because it might not be right and so you're not as motivated (whether it has to do with a person, career, personal growth, body and health etc). Maybe you need to change who you are surrounding yourself with because they not driven or may be unsupportive. OR maybe you just need to change your mindset. Because regardless of all external circumstances- the most powerful and controllable one of them all, is YOU and what you do with yourself. We do all of these other little things along the way, or while we are waiting- because it comforts us. COMFORT doesn't equal progress. For some people, its more fun and its EASIER to just talk about it and fantasize and be in this really awesome dreamworld where anything is possible, the world is at your finger tips and you shall conquer it and be the best person you can be because you should! OH MY GOSH it SOUNDS so amazing, it FEELS SO amazing so lets live in the clouds forever because god forbid if you take any action you might fail and feel something else other than spaceclouddisneylandworld................................or you just talk about it so you SOUND good and people will perceive you to be this well rounded and driven person and sound like you really know what the fuck you're doing. But you dont, because you haven't DONE shit.

I'm not perfect. Im writing this shit to myself too!! There are other things that I am working on, things that I need to be more consistent about and even just DO..I was talking to a friend about how I want to do it daily and I know I really should but I don't. So mayyyybbbe, it will be helpful to have a friend check up on me every week and see how things went and if I actually did anything. I came to the conclusion that- it doesnt really fucking matter at all. I just need to DO IT. And do it for MYSELF because I DESIRE TO- not because I have to answer to someone. Ok honestly, its good to have accountability haha....I mean, it sucks when someone asks you how things are going with whatever it is you are working on- and you say you didn't do much of anything- it just burns more to say it out loud and especially to another person. So its a form of motivation. BUUTTTTT It shouldn't take that to get you to do something......heres how accountability is GOOD and why/when you need support----once you are already ON TRACK- then accountability will help you to STAY on track. You freaking get the point I'm making here.

This is harsher than what/how I normally write. Its harsh in general. Normally, I feel that communicating truthfully with some compassion, conviction and love is pretty effective. People are usually receptive to that delivery. BUT, sometimes, people just need the straight up brutal truth. They need a reality check or a good fucking reminder. I gave myself this good fucking reminder earlier so now I'm giving it to you.

With this whole bodybuilding thing. I didnt write a single thing down. Except for my training plan AFTER I actually took initiative and did my research, contacted nickie and WENT TO THE GYM with her. And I've been taking my ass there every day, twice a day, on my own ever since......and will continue to!

You know why I am writing this? Because I believe with all of my heart that each of us are capable of attaining anything it is that we desire in this world. ANYTHING. You have insane resources. You might not think you have anything that great- but open up your mind ..be creative- you have a million resources. You CAN, you are ABLE. You have a mind, a body, a heart, a soul. MOVE AND USE ALL OF THOSE MUSCLES. DO IT!

LOVE

N A T

New found peace.

First of all, I believe in good souls. So many people who I am not even close friends with have reached out to make sure I am ok! I assure you, I am! haha.. If you don't know me too well, you might be taken aback by the things I write. I just constantly have many thoughts running through my head and when I put them in words and choose to express what I think or how I feel, it comes across in a very intense way. It may also seem a little intense because people don't normally share to the extent that I do. But thats just who I am! I am not being dramatic, its just what I think and feel. After reading the more morbid/sad/angry posts, please never envision me sitting in a corner balling my eyes out because I think some of you do! Its not the case at all. My days are normal. I don't drag my feet with a frown on my face and bags under my eyes. Are some days harder than others? Yes. But we all have those days. Are some moments harder than others? Yes. But we all have those moments. I just so happen to be having them a little more frequently than what I am used to. That happens to everyone. I have a good head on my shoulders and a solid foundation. Don't worry friends! But know, I appreciate every message and all of the kind words that have been sent and said. No matter how small or large the gesture, I am incredibly thankful and touched by how caring and thoughtful people have been.

Now that you know I am not depressed and suicidal, we can move on...

I have a story to share. Something that happened to me today. Something pretty powerful. I was getting ready for work standing in my bathroom area. I know I was recapping my afternoon at the gym with Nickie and I just thought about what a blessing it was to have her in my life during this specific time of my life. Then in one moment, a sense of peace came over my body entirely. It just hit me. Simultaneously, I was reminded that: everything happens for a reason. The past few months of my life ran through my mind in chronological order. It seemed like it only took a few seconds but I was able to see it all and grasp the events. It is absolutely okay if you are not spiritual or do not have any belief in God/Christ- but I do. So of course, I believe God was pouring his peace on me and speaking this to me-reminding this. Pretty powerful, pretty emotional.

I believe with all of my heart that everything happens for a reason and that the sequence of life does not happen in an arbitrary fashion. Not at all. I get caught up in a single event and forget to take a step back to look at the bigger picture..seeing that its all for a purpose. When certain events occur in our lives, we tend to ask ourselves, "why?" I suppose in a way, I got my "why" answered but in a very general way. When you look back on your life, doesn't it always seem like one thing happened, so that another thing could happen, so that it could bring you to this place or that person...and it continues. Its never ending. And no matter what, it always seems to work out, it always seems to be, perfect. The way its suppose to be. I don't know about you, but I find that true in my life! Certain things happened and it felt like I was supposed to be there for one reason, but at the end of it all, it was for another reason. You can never see these things while you are going through it. I just feel like I am where I am and its perfect. How perfect that I have this new friendship and new pursuit right now in my life. You meet the people you do for a reason, desires are put on your heart for a reason, you travel to places for a reason. Everything that has happened in the past few months is for a reason!!!!!! It just brings me so much comfort. Its like, gosh, don't get caught up in it all. Everything will be fine. Everything is fine. Am I still sad? Yesssssssssss. But after today, after this moment I had, I have a better sense of peace and hope. I am encouraged and I feel soooooooooo ridiculously blessed. So so so so blessed.

Maybe that did not make any sense. But just know this-

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

So find peace and comfort in that.

Love,

Nat.

What's your worth?

I am sad.

I am angry.

I am worth more than over-used excuses and thoughtless acts of hurt.

I deserve more.

Be better than that.

fuck.

Jim Morrison is cool.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” -JIM MORRISON

I read this today and loved it. Its something I've always believed in and Jim articulated my thoughts quite perfectly. It's a little morbid, but I feel there's a lot of truth to it. His quote really spoke to me in this moment though because of some things I am currently going through. Not a big surprise, as I am always sharing my thoughts and what I feel is apparent most of the time, whether it be on facebook or my blog (if not in person, in which case, you will always know how I am feeling because it is almost impossible for me to hide).

I am usually a very positive and upbeat person. I will find a silver lining in everything because I truly believe one always exists. The obstacles I have managed to over come in my life, are ones you would never imagine a girl like me to ever encounter. But I have, I did and will continue to face challenges and more importantly, learn lessons. Right now, I am at a sad place. Its very new so it's burning heavily. I really haven't felt this hurt in a long while. I have been sad and down, been disappointed, everything in between. But this kind of hurt, and heartache? It's been awhile. Because of that, this feeling is more...raw. Does that make sense at all? Honestly, I have been crying for the last few days (although today was a better day, thank God). Does that make me weak? No. The ones closest to me can attest to my mental and emotional strength-my ability to persevere. For a moment though, I did feel weak.

Well of course, this quote reminded me that I am not weak for feeling the way I do because I am simply facing my reality (as stated in the quote). Wouldn't it be a lie to pretend it was okay, I was okay? I could easily give myself a pep talk, bring out my rays of sunshine and be POSITIVE. TA-DA! It would be a false reality though and it'd only be a facade put on for momentary relief. I have never chosen to live my life that way, and I'm not starting now. I have tattooed on my body, "Live Truthfully." How untruthful would that be? I am aware that it is unhealthy to dwell and sulk in sadness. Thats not what I'm saying should be done. Just allow yourself those moments. That's all. Without feeling pain, how do you truly appreciate the opposite- love. If you don't let yourself feel these types of things, and you choose to disregard them or conceal them, you disregard yourself. You are telling yourself you are not valid. The thing is, you are. So accept how you feel and let them run through you. I believe in these times of honesty (feeling), you discover the most vital and profound things about who you are and your heart. When you are being real, you discover real things. When you are untruthful with others, doesn't it hurt them?..You hurt them, indeed. What do you think happens when you are untruthful with yourself?

That sort of brought me to how I "carry it." Remember, it's a choice to feel or not feel. So I will choose to feel this for a bit as it is necessary. But, I have hope, faith and courage and little by little, I will be able to pick myself up. During this process, I will choose to heal. I understand there is a process. I'm going with it, trusting it. But I am going with it with the purpose of moving on and the intent to heal and overcome. --Carry it in an honest and healthy way. Find that balance.

Its one day at a time. Each day is a new day. Live it with your eyes open and heart present.

Be true.